Now Recruiting for Academic Year 2010/11!

Get some tissues ready, I've got bad news. Some of the current Sanctuary team are about to leave the newspaper forever. To become unemployed. No, I'm not sure we've thought it through either. But anyway, this means we need a new set of faces and ideas to guide the Sanctuary towards Great Success next year. We're currently recruiting for the following positions:

• Designer. Someone who can make the paper look pretty. Access to, and experience in, appropriate software (Quark, InDesign, Illustrator, something like that) is a must.
• Film Editor. You're in charge of the film section of the website, and all film articles that end up in the paper. If The Hurt Locker doesn't win Best Picture at the Oscars, I'll blow up my car.
• Writers. We'll always need more people who can come up with brilliant ideas and write satire for the paper. If you'd like to get involved in a writing capacity then get in touch. You'll still attend meetings, and a lot of our current team started off as writers. Don't worry if you think you might not have enough ideas; it's a team effort.
  

If you're interested in any of all of these positions, email warwick@sanctuarynewspaper.co.uk for more information and to apply!

What Would Jeremy Clarkson Do?

He’d say something idiotic about the government, make a witless offensive remark about the environment or something then jump into his monstrous Ford GT Phallus and break the speed limits to the Autobahn and back faster than you could say ‘’Crikey, what a gigantic prick.’’

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The Library - A Cautionary Tale

Once upon a time, in the far away kingdom of Royal Leamington Spa, there lived a princess. If one were feeling kind, one might describe the princess as full of joy and virtue, a gleam of innocence amongst a fog of cynicism and corruption. If one was not feeling so kind, one might describe her as stupid and naive. “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion,” sniffed the princess.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Dubstep

As we swiftly move through to 2010 it is impossible to ignore the radical invasion of what the hardcore ravers out there are calling ‘dub-step’. The Sanctuary team caught up with the Unions latest and freshest new DJ of Pressure to try to uncover the secrets of this modern genre.

SANCTUARY: So, what inspired you to become a DJ of dub-step?

DJ: Well, it all started when ma cat accidentally got trapped in the washin’ machine. I heard the wails from down in ma garage and ma first thought was to help it straight out but then the sounds of cat and machine just started to make sense. I thought shit, this is modern music.

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Oscar Categories That Should Exist

That time of year is rolling around once again, as members of ‘the industry’ go to ‘awards ceremonies’ to give one another ‘blowjobs’, AKA Academy Awards, AKA Xbox Live Achievements.  And interesting though it unquestionably is to hear the tearful speeches of costume people and graphics nerds who you didn’t care about before and find just slightly hateful afterwards, we at The Sanctuary feel that the time has come for an overhaul of the stale Oscar categories.  Read on for our blueprint to a more intriguing Oscar ceremony for all…

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Holidays Aren't What They Used To Be

It’s week ten, the Easter holiday is looming, a time for relaxation and a chance to bathe in the unending brilliance of home-cooked food and a personal laundry service. But wait, you are forgetting something, these are this is the Easter holiday, a holiday in name only. Even if you do have the luxury of being able to exist more than a mile away from the library, going home at Easter is a mixed blessing. If you choose to do nothing (a decision I by no means frown upon, in fact for Freshers anything else would be frankly disturbing), then you have to live with the guilt of knowing you should be working. Every time you settle down to watch Jeremy Kyle in the middle of the day, every time you head down the pub with your mates and realise your sole achievement of the day was becoming ‘pro’ at wii tennis, you will feel it.

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Cannibalism - The Truth

Cannibalism is the act of juggling pencils, but instead of juggling them you’re eating them and instead of pencils it’s people.

Since the human race was in its infancy, cannibalism has existed. Cultures across the world have been known to indulge in it. A common way of achieving this is to find stray homeless, feed them bottomless barrels of whiskey and kebabs until they burst and then use the exploded remnants in a variety of stews.

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