Andrew Barnfield

It was reported at the weekend that, for the first time scientists have been able to grow meat from within the comfortable confines of a laboratory. No longer do we need to have to go outside into the cold and wet and deal with those pesky animals. They are quite annoying really; they do need food, shelter and care after all. This all takes time and energy which would be much nicer spent inside a nice warm lab with a cup of tea and a biscuit and maybe a bit of radio 4 to gently pass the time of day till 5 o’clock when you can toddle off down the pub or home for your dinner. The scientists from Eindhoven University who have grown this so called ‘in-vitro’ or cultured meat claim to be confident that we will have laboratory sausages on our plates within five years. There is a note of caution however - laboratory rules have meant that as yet no one has tried the meat which is backed by a sausage manufacturer (well, it would be, wouldn’t it?).   

Thankfully the Vegetarian Society can smell something fishy about all of this, that it is all a carefully planned trick by the sausage manufactures to sneak meat onto their plates, “the big question is could you guarantee you were eating artificial flesh rather than the flesh from an animal that had been slaughtered” their spokesmen commentated. At last the truth is out, but the Vegetarians need not break into a cold sweat when order their ‘friendly’ alternative to a hot dog just yet, so far the meat is at best like ‘wasted tissue’. The Dutch experts, lead by Prof Mark Post, believe that all they need to do is find ways of “training and stretching it”, now doesn’t that just sound appetising. This latest breakthrough doesn’t have me filled with a great desire to see menus filled with items like ‘lab shanks’ and ‘steak au tube’ somehow.

Kellogg’s have sparked public outrage after it was discovered that trace amounts of cocaine were used in the manufacture of the popular breakfast cereal, Coco Pops.

The discovery was made after growing government concern over the addictive nature of the product caused the launch of full health inquiry. Investigators found benzoylmethylecgonine in the chocolate coating amounting to approximately 1g in every two 500g packs.

Further scandal unfolded when the cabinet secretary told reporters that the Prime Minister had him run to Sainsbury’s to purchase a stock pile of the product before giving the order to have the cereal removed from retail outlets.

Kellogg’s CEO, Mr. Mckay, has admitted to reporters that he was aware that class A drugs were used in the manufacture of several Kellogg’s products, proclaiming, “If Coca-Cola can do it, why can’t we?”

The minister for health has condemned Kellogg’s for what he called an extremely low marketing ploy. “I used to think it was just the free toys my kids wanted.”

Mildred Thorn, mother of 3 and president of Mothers against Coco Pops, told the Sanctuary how she first became suspicious of the cereal. “The boys had their friends over for some baking and they made crispy cakes from Coco Pops.” She described how after consuming a large quantity of the cakes the boys’ behaviour was severely altered. “One boy was making what could only be described as sexual advances towards me, whilst the others made a giant coco monkey effigy in the back garden with sticks.”

Mr. Mckay will stand trial next year for over half a million counts of reckless endangerment and drug trafficking.

GERMANY In what could see the end of more than half a century of peace, Anglo-German relations are once again on the rocks as it is revealed that Heinz, the producer of Baked Beans, consciously fob off Europe’s German-speaking countries with half baked produce.

The Austrian Times, an English-language newspaper based in Vienna, initiated a study comparing the English Baked Beans and their German equivalent, Gebackene Bohnen.  The study followed a series of complaints from the paper’s well travelled readers, including Heinz Joseph, a student in England.  He said he first fell in love with Baked Beans “because they had the same name [as me]”, but was left disappointed and disgruntled when he bought them at home in Germany. 

The conclusive study, based on the opinions of a full twenty readers (presumably the paper’s entire readership), showed that German cans were less than 50% bean, while in England, Heinz specifically boasts that beans comprise more than half of the contents of every tin.  It was also suggested that the German sauce contained 5% less tomato than its English counterpart, instead containing more water, salt and sugar.  Rather than dismissing these claims or apologising for the disparity, Heinz simply said that the contents of the cans varied slightly ‘depending on local tastes’. 

Given that the NHS’s latest obesity statistics state that nearly a quarter of British adults are obese, one might assume that the British taste Heinz here refers to is that for huge portions.  A spokesman for the company also helpfully pointed out that German bean lovers with contacts in the UK could “perhaps get a friend to send them over”.

Anglo-German tension has also mounted this week over the emergence of a German rival to the English Jaffa Cake that has recently hit the markets.  The new cake boasts more orangey filling to each bite as well as a cool new shape: er, an oblong.  Since 1927, the McVities cake has certainly proven to be a recipe for success: the circular cake with a low fat, high energy orange jam filling has found profitable favour with both the Manchester United and England football teams as well as millions of lunchboxes across the country. 

A spokesman for the rival German confectionary company, Bahlsen, dismisses all this as being simply a “central blob” of filling and an unappealingly dry outer rim, claiming that the company’s new version, inventively named ‘The Oblong Jaffa Cake’, is much tastier.  After critics suggested that the changes made were pointless, Bahlsen defended their decision by saying that they were easier to package, and also that they now more closely resembled some of the wonders of the world, citing Stone Henge and “David Coulthard’s chin” as prime examples.  Now who can call this pointless?

International News Editor - Christina Sparks