By Penny Less

Outrage hit the student community this week when it was revealed that members of senior management at the Student Loans Company had received bonuses in the range of 5,000 to 10,000 bananas each.

The SLC caused widespread famine and misery amongst students last semester due to it’s administration staff losing over a 1000 bank details thus delaying loans, in a scandal which has been termed ‘Monkey Gate’ by the press.

One staff member, who wishes to remain anonymous, commented, “The situation is out of control. The department is so badly organised that we’ve been doing over-time without pay. We spent all night on our typewriters yesterday” Another more senior staff member commented, “Oh-ah-ah, oh-ah-ah!”

Politicians have called for a rebate of the bonuses and have asked that senior management spend at least one week dancing in a fez to banjo music and making cups of tea for those students left traumatised by the inadequacies of the SLC.

working hard...

By Imma Bigliar

Scientists have found that some third year students could be at risk of suffering from a syndrome known as 'Jacksadullboy'. 

Random blood tests in the library revealed that alcohol levels in the students had dropped well below expected levels. The study, by Dr Charlatan and colleagues, attributabes its findings to the severe lack of expendable income during the third year of university and the rising cost of alcohol. Levels of workload seemed to have little to no effect on the students' level of dehydration.

By RLW

Controversy erupted in Sheffield last week when the university’s Liberal Democrat Society published a poster likening to Sheffield City Council leader Paul Scriven to such figureheads as Gandhi, Einstein and Jesus Christ. Scriven, a Lib Dem councillor, vehemently denied the claims stating “No, I’m not that much like Jesus”.

However, not satisfied with trying to make an idol of their local councillor, the young Lib Dems yesterday claimed that party leader Nick Clegg was a direct descendent of Christ himself. “Isn’t it obvious?” cried one supporter “The man’s a miracle worker! He’s changing the world. I urge everyone to get behind our saviour before the next general election else they should feel the endless wrath of Lib Dem supporters.”

Understandably these claims have been met with a high level of scepticism. When asked if he thought if Clegg had descended from Jesus, Conservative leader David Cameron remarked “No way, dude.”

A lack of evidence means few are prepared to see Nick Clegg as the planet’s saviour. Although he has been seen turning MPs expenses claims into furniture, food, decorating…

By Sadness McMiserable 

Every year people gather in Sheffield city centre to witness the spectacle that is the turning on of the Christmas lights. A plethora of stars have flicked the famous switch over the last few decades. Famous names include the Right Honourable David Blunkett, Barry Chuckle and Dick from “Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow” but this year’s event is set to cause a stir as The Sanctuary can exclusively reveal this year’s lucky celebrity. 

Student Phillip Laing caused widespread outrage when he urinated over a war memorial a few weeks ago. However, sources close to the council have hinted that the controversial student will be chosen to switch on the Christmas lights in a desperate attempt to improve relations between students and local residents.  

The move, if proven to be true, would only serve to further aggravate sentiments against the student community and its relentless binge drinking culture.  

One local official commented “I really do hope this isn’t the case. The chances are he’ll turn up drunk and urinate in the fountains. If the fountains overflow with urine it would have serious implications on the livelihood of indigenous people of our precious city. It would also ruin Christmas. So much for good will. Bloody students.” 

An announcement should be made in the next couple of days. You read it here first!                                                  

 Pictured: Phillip practises his switch flicking technique

By Tina Kang

Allegations have recently been brought to light about a gang at large on the streets of South Yorkshire, following a severe incident of a facial paper cut on a young fresher last week.

The victim, who has to now take out recovery time from his Mathematics course, did not have a chance to see the attacker’s weapon, but described the object as: “rectangular shaped”. A thorough investigation is being carried out by South Yorkshire police, who are bamboozled by this description and believe that it is a new product that must be exchanging hands on the black market. 

It is thought that the gang have dubbed themselves with the name “Sheffield Parties”  and are particularly at large on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday, evenings. Suspicions that these yobs are indeed a gang have been further aroused after the realisation that their motto, ‘Cheese on bread’, is actually a menacing re-wording of the Italian Mafia’s threat of ‘You’re toast’.

The growing impact of Sheffield parties is not the only issue at hand. Gang rivalry is coming to a dangerous pinnacle with existing gangs such as “Plug” and an emerging gang known as “Place2be”. New gang members are thought to be drawn in by the alluring and sophisticated atmosphere of Sheffield’s favourite sports bar “Players” where many of these hooligans loiter, and litter, each night.

In order to crack down on this gang crime, a proposal has been developed to adopt a regional scheme reminiscent of David Cameron’s 2006 ‘hug a hoody’ campaign. The council and the universities are also working together to create a flyer detailing warnings about how to spot these criminals. Current plans suggest that these leaflets will be distributed along West Street and outside student unions on daily basis and will feature a sketch of what the weapon is said to look like. 

By Yoghurt Mackenize   

Sheffield’s Union of Students today reacted with despair after a war veteran was photographed urinating on a student.  

Manfred Walsington Smythe, 72, caused outrage after he was caught on camera desecrating a local student. 

Today, the Union of Students said it was “both angered and saddened” by the photo. A spokesperson said “I think it’s absolutely disgusting. It’s as though some war veterans have no appreciation of what students are doing for their country.” 

“This character must be the lowest of the low, an abomination. They should send him to Embrace on a Monday night. That would sort him out.” 

Smythe himself apologised “unreservedly” for his actions and said “I am deeply ashamed and sorry for my behaviour. I don’t know what came over me, I just find most students obnoxious and brainless. When I found he was at university to study sports engineering I lost the plot. I accept that I should not have urinated on him.” 

Smythe will appear in court 31^st February 2010.

 Pictured: generic cheeky old man