GOVERNMENT GIVES THUMBS UP TO MASS NUCLEAR DESTRUCTION

The UK government has approved plans for 10 new nuclear power stations to be built at various sites throughout England and Wales. Construction of the plants will be undertaken by a new commission after national and local consultation. 

“We are cautiously optimistic, at this point in time, that at least half the stations will suffer severe nuclear meltdowns and completely vaporise their surrounding areas,” announced Fred Filliband, an official governmental spokesperson. “Health and safety guidelines have been carefully studied and pointedly ignored by our top experts working on the project, and research papers sent in from the scientific community are being taken very seriously. After all, they beat wiping your bum with newspapers. Why can’t they give us proper loo rolls around here?” 

The 10 sites deemed suitable for future nuclear plants include Bradwell in Essex, better known as “that utter hole” by people familiar with it, as well as Oldbury in Gloucestershire, Wylfa in North Wales, and others. News that these places were soon to go up in flames was met with exuberant celebration from the general public, including inhabitants of the sites themselves. 

“The f****** heating doesn’t f****** work and the neighbour’s b***** dog keeps waking me up at 6 in the morning,” were the words of a Bradwell homeowner who wished to remain anonymous. “I really hope they build that nuclear station quick so it can go kaboom and I can finally get my b***** cheque from those f****** lazy insurance s****.” 

The government’s optimism, however, is not shared by all. A number of green groups across the UK have been quick to voice their opposition to the plan. “Nuclear power has been proven, repeatedly, to be perfectly safe and reliable,” said a representative of Friends of the Earth. “The chance of a major nuclear meltdown is statistically less than 1 in 100 million. At those odds, can the government guarantee that the towns we all hate will be obliterated as promised?” 

“Despite what some may claim, we have considerable evidence to show that nuclear power really is a lot more dangerous than people believe,” was the counterpoint from Mr Filliband. “An accident is bound to happen sooner or later. Anyone else remember Chernobyl? If the Russkies can do it, so can we.” 

Ministers are hoping to fast-track construction of the power stations so that some of them can be blowing up by as early as 2018.