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Tobacconist Plans

Miles Battye

MPs recently approved a bill to outlaw cigarette vending machines across the UK, bringing regulations into line with last year’s banning of the open display of cigarettes in shops. Future plans include the banning of such phrases as ‘I could really use a cig’, ‘have you got a light?’, and even ‘I’m just going outside for a couple of minutes’.

An NHS spokesman commented: “65% of smokers said they would quit smoking if tobacco became unavailable. A further 11% said they would consider quitting smoking if a 10-year sentence was imposed. These statistics are encouraging; they show that we are on well on the way to a smoke free Britain.”

These measures, coupled with the banning of drinking in public places, are just the first steps in the government’s plan to cut down on society’s advertisement of leisure activities. Social Security Minister Barbie Costle said: “Leisure activities can be dangerous. Seeing people engage in leisure activities in public places can be a bad influence and is statistically proven to increase people’s desire to partake in leisure themselves.”

The Bad Influences Assessment Society for Educational Development (or BIASED) claims that government isn’t going far enough. Bad Influences such as smoking, drinking, playing Sudoku etc. can be inadvertently passed from parent to child, as we all know children are like spongers. It is suggested that parents will soon need to be careful about product placement in the home environment; especially concerning products and activities not yet legally ratified to be ‘educational’.

However, not everyone is happy with the proposals. One student complained that smokers are being discriminated against, “This is just like racism, except it’s about the colour of your breath rather than the colour of your skin.” This new kind of discrimination can be appropriately called ‘tobacconism’.  The student added: “Tobacconists are everywhere, yet there is no law against tobacconist hate-speech.” However, it should be noted that the student in question is a smoker, so she would say that.

A British health official said: “Some people think that the proposed plans constitute discrimination, but this isn’t the case. What people decide to do in their own home behind closed doors out of sight and without getting caught is their own business.”