CANINE DESCENDANTS TO RECEIVE RECOGNITION FOR WAR EFFORTS

Ed Foster

Euphoria engulfed the dogs of Britain today as it was announced, after a gruelling and irksome fight, that the British government is set to finally give in to the demands of the infamous ‘deserving dogs’ campaign.

Alastair Campbell: “It wasn’t me”
‘The Iraq Inquiry’ questioning off to slow start

Jacek Kruza

The long awaited grilling of key players in the controversial invasion of Iraq has started in earnest with Alastair Campbell taking to the stand. However, whilst grudgingly defending the revered former Overlord Tony Blair, he was evasive over his own involvement stating simply “It wasn’t me”.

Tobacconist Plans

Miles Battye

MPs recently approved a bill to outlaw cigarette vending machines across the UK, bringing regulations into line with last year’s banning of the open display of cigarettes in shops. Future plans include the banning of such phrases as ‘I could really use a cig’, ‘have you got a light?’, and even ‘I’m just going outside for a couple of minutes’.

Blair to release ‘value’ lecture range

Ed Foster

Following his appointment as Middle East envoy for Tesco, it has been confirmed this week that former PM Tony Blair is set to release his own brand of ‘value’ lectures on foreign diplomacy-named “Tony’s Finest”. The move finally provides consumers with a viable alternative to the market leader, “The Bush Experience” lectures. 

Delivery Fears as Elves Strike

Phil Clark 

CHILDREN are facing an anxious wait for a resolution to an ongoing dispute between Santa and his elves. The heated discussion (which melted the meeting room at the North Pole) has been ongoing ever since plans to modernise the way that Santa distributes the presents to the millions of children  were announced four years ago.

Church of England initiations ‘inhumane’ – Williams

Ed Foster

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has this week spoken out against the practice of priestly inductions into life at the C of E. Raucous inductions have long been a renowned bi product of service to the institution, with elders subjecting their ‘newbies’ to several nights of outrageous and unbridled tasks, regularly traumatising the new priests, who are known as ‘bitches’ until they complete the challenges.