By Richard Hanney

In a season that has already seen UEFA Launch the ‘five officials system’ in the Europa League, the FA are considering the introduction of a refereeing innovation of their own for the Premiership: to provide an extra official during Manchester City fixtures with a sole focus upon the refereeing of pathological yeller Craig Bellamy. Initial reports suggest that this proposal will be met with optimism by the majority of Premiership managers, with Arsene Wenger said to be particularly enthusiastic.

The referee would be assigned to Bellamy at the beginning of each match, and will then shadow his play, aiming to calm and placate the player during intense periods of the match.

A number of factors have led to the timing of this debate. A recent statistic revealed that Bellamy was explicitly involved into 91.4% of all player-to-player matchday arguments and 87.3% of all referee-directed dissent in the last premiership season. In last weeks Carling Cup quarter final at The City of Manchester Stadium, television cameras revealed Bellemy repeatedly berating officials, players, or indeed whosoever happened to be nearest. Having scythed down Arsenal’s Emmanual Eboue, Bellamy appeared to begin an argument with his own knee - gesticulating that it had in fact dived - before unsuccessfully attempting to stamp on it with his other leg. Fortunately, he failed to make substantial contact (resident stamp-master teammate, Emmanual Adebayour, dismissed the attempt as ‘weak’).

However, some have voiced concern that the ‘Bellamy Ref’ inititive might create a stigma against the little known medical condition that he is purported to have. The condition is thought to be a form of Tourettes, distinguished by the absence of the bits between the swearing, shouting and innapropriate comments. Bellemy is the only known sufferer.

Other solutions to the Bellamy issue have been few and far between, and of those that have been offered, none seem to be considered as seriously as the the prospect of the extra official. Ex-Premiership referee Graham Poll ventured that Bellamy should be able to recieve three yellow cards, while John Arne Riise uncharitably suggested that Bellamy needs a 'life referee' more akin to a carer.

When asked for his opinions about the proposals, Bellamy opted for a more restrained reponse than usual, saying simply and politely, ‘Fuck off, fuck you, FA get fucked’. In an official statement, the FA applauded Bellamy’s restraint in avoiding reference to anyone’s mother, grandmother or face, but did not comment upon whether this would impact upon their considerations. 

By Daniel Broadbent

In news which has shook the world of over-priced razorblades the third head of the Gillette sporting beast was completed. Following Thierry Henry running the length of the Stad de France with the ball under his arm before chucking it past Shay Given, and Tiger Woods admitting affairs with several women with plastic faces, Roger Federer last night admitted to a corrosive kitten-stomping habit. 

Whilst it had generally been believed that Roger Federer spent his spare time tending to his grey ironing board-cover collection and listening to the music of Dido he admitted last night to Sanctuary that he in fact really gets off on stomping on kittens. “I have minions who kidnap the kittens from people’s gardens, and I then have them choppered in to my Swiss mansion by the crate load” he said. “And then I stamp on them. Stampy! Stampy!”

 Thierry Henry, Tiger Woods and Roger Federer had been deemed perfect spokespeople for the Gillette brand. This is because whilst on the face of it they are sportsmen at the top of their respective games with little that anyone could find offensive, they were in fact all pure evil. A Gillette mouthpiece said “we only employ people who are pure evil. It’s company policy”.

 When asked if he felt any shame about his habit of stamping on kittens Roger Federer replied: “no”.

By Richard Hanney.

Never far from controversy, El Hadji Diouf has once again hit the headlines for non-football reasons. In the wake of the fuck-off-white-boy-gate scandal of a few weeks ago, new allegations have emerged that it was not an isolated incident provoked by an irritating ball boy and an epic level of abuse from a hostile Merseyside crowd, but was in fact part of a long term and systematic racial targeting of opposition employees at away fixtures.

It would now seem that the incident with the Everton ball boy was in fact a deviation from Diouf’s preferred targets of discriminatory abusive epithets: club mascots. However, two of those who have felt the stinging lash of the Senegalese strikers’ cruel taunts have now gone public in a bid to bring him to justice.

It is alleged that the abuse may have begun as far back as the latter half of the 08/09 season, following Diouf’s transfer window move from Sunderland to Blackburn. In the away fixture with hull, Rory, the 42 year old veteran tiger and full time Hull city mascot, claims that Diouf took him aside at half time and told him ‘to fuck off you yellow and black twat’. Rory has said that the humiliation of these comments left him unable to perform his trademark forward roll, and prevented him from waving to the crowds with his usual fervour. He also claims that Diouf called him a ‘Bengal Bastard’.

In a press conference yesterday, Phil Brown stated that he is ‘fully behind’ the club mascot (‘a special tiger’), and questioned Diouf’s often controversial tenure in English football. ‘The lad has been caught out again, it’s not the first time he has stepped out of line, and i’m highly concerned that it won’t be the last’.

When asked how he would deal with Diouf were he a Hull City player, Brown responded that he ‘would be very tempted to take him out onto the KC pitch at half time in front of the crowd and give him an private, inspirational man-to-man talk about how to change his behaviour and turn his life around.’ Diouf’s manager, Sam Allardyce, refused to comment on the situation.

Rory’s version of events was given added weight when Gunnasaurus Rex, 33, the Arsenal FC mascot, revealed a similar story of abuse relating to the Blackburn Player. During the Arsenal/Blackburn fixture at the Emirates Stadium, just two weeks after the fuck-off-white-boygate scandal, Diouf is once more said two have abused the opposition mascot, and again the insults had a racial slant. Gunnasaurus Rex alleges that while he was miming the firing of a cannon at the North-side end, Diouf interrupted his pre-match warm-up to call the mascot an ‘extinct sauropod motherfucker’.

The wider racial implications of Diouf’s bigoted potty mouth have even drawn comments from the academic sphere. Professor Denson, head of the Minor Cultural Slights department Hull University has spoken out on the issue:

‘If true, this terminology is deeply offensive - it taps into a history of oppression and discrimination – both tigers and dinosaurs are a hugely endangered species - in very much the same way that El Hadji Diouf’s previous white-boy slur was offensive to historical sensibility of white people in Great Britain.’

Diouf has yet to respond to the allegations, but he may well be forced to release a statement in the coming days if rumours of further incidents, said to involve Moonchester, Baggie Bird and a Fulham groundsman, are made public to the media. Rory and Gunnasaurus Rex stated that they are presently seeking legal advice and ‘considering their options’.

By Daniel Broadbent

Thierry Henry admitted last night that he had indeed appeared in a shit advert for Gillette in which he, Tiger Woods and Roger Federa look like utter smug twats, however he insisted that it was accidental. “Yes I did appear in that shit advert” he shrugged afterwards “and this did result in me getting large piles of money for me to do nothing interesting with, but if you look closely you can clearly see it was an accident. Watch it in real time. Actually, I wouldn’t...”

Thierry Henry, who has carefully cultivated an advertiser friendly image throughout his career, was keen to stress that none of his on the face of it cynical and mercenary actions committed throughout his career were done with any malice aforethought.

When the French striker stayed at Arsenal for one last season he made repeated claims that he was only staying out of love for the club. It was subsequently revealed that he had been given a £5 million one off payment to stay for a season in which he looked moody, made a series of ‘why didn’t you pass it to my feet’ gestures to teammates, and scored twelve goals before buggering off to take advantage of Spain’s tax-rates. Last night he told Sanctuary that this was infact an honest mistake rather than a disingenuous lie. “This was accidental” he claimed, catapulting a series of farm animals over some turrets at King Arthur, blowing raspberries and slapping the top of his head. “I actually admitted to the referee that I only stayed because of the money, and that my heart wasn’t really in it, and that contrary to popular belief I am really quite boring, but no one must have been listening”.

Following his injury time assist against Ireland in which he caught the ball, bounced it a couple of times and spun it on his fingertip before throwing it to Gallas, he was asked to clarify whether he had meant to do so. “Clearly that was a deliberate and cynical act which is going to tarnish my reputation for ever” he admitted. “Even I wouldn’t be that much of a cynical prick to claim anything else. Neither would I wait until Fifa had categorically ruled out a replay before saying that a reply would be the ‘fairest’ option. That would be a ridiculous way to carry on.”