Church of England initiations ‘inhumane’ – Williams

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has this week spoken out against the practice of priestly inductions into life at the C of E. Raucous inductions have long been a renowned bi product of service to the institution, with elders subjecting their ‘newbies’ to several nights of outrageous and unbridled tasks, regularly traumatising the new priests, who are known as ‘bitches’ until they complete the challenges.

Dr Williams has decided to speak out against the matter after a leaked video tape showed a ‘bitch’ defecating on a city war memorial. ‘I’m in favour of traditional practice but there has to be a point where you say enough is enough. When I was a bitch, it wasn’t half as nasty as this kind of stuff. Now the masters are abusing their power – I heard last week one bitch was forced to eat raw chicken and do a double shot of absinthe while reciting the national anthem backwards in front of the entire village congregation. For every word he got wrong, they shot him with a paintball gun. I think that is going a tad too far.’

We tried to get in touch with some newly induced members of the C of E, but none were willing to disclose information regarding their inductions, clearly demonstrating fear of retribution. We did, however, manage to get through to one of the masters based in London. ‘It is a compulsory practice which we all had to go through’, he told us, ‘it teaches the bitches how to cope with pressurised situations like giving a sermon on a busy Sunday. Besides, if they can’t handle it they should join the Catholic Church instead – I understand their initiations are much tamer.’

The Government has admitted that there is nothing that can be done to outlaw such traditions, and Dr Williams may simply be forced to accept that joining the modern Church of England means mental and physical humiliation for a week or two.

Ed Foster – Manchester University