Canadian Geese told to fly back to Winnipeg

By Andrew Routledge (Manchester Correspondent)

There was pandemonium in Platt Fields Park last week when immigration officials raided the park’s lake. Eye witnesses reported seeing a collection of geese, believed to be Canadian in origin, being forcibly escorted off the premise. There were multiple reports of hissing and ankle biting.

This is just the latest in a series of arrests cracking down on an immigration problem, which as of yet, has been ill addressed – animals who have migrated to the United Kingdom without a permit.

A spokesman for Manchester City Council said that the geese had been “detained” warranting further enquiry to their “Britishness”. He also confirmed that the geese had been “under surveillance for some time” and that they had been recorded engaging in such illegal activities as “stealing bread” and “quacking in an unfriendly manner” – the calling card (according to the Daily Mail) of illegal immigrants.

Local residents have welcomed the move. Colin, a duck living on the lake had this to say “They were taking over the place and the like! Every day the bastards would eat up all the crumbs the nice humans would throw for us; they were nicking all our bread!”

Helga, a Hedgehog resident under an old oak tree by the lake commented: “They’d always hang around in gangs you know; all suspicious looking those Canadians. If you crossed them they’d hiss at you and bite your arm they would. I just stayed out of their way”.

According to a government think-tank, arrests that have involved an increasing migrant population are on the increase. Only last month, a group of grey squirrels (American in origin) were rounded up at a nuthouse in Bolton – deportation back to California is hoped for soon. There are also movements towards deporting the potato population (originally from Latin America) however this has been hampered by the ongoing legal case concerning whether a 400+ year residency allows for the application of British citizenship.

However, the problem is not one that will go away anytime soon. The police might have been able to crack down on illegal Canadians, but the progress in dealing with the rabbit (Mediterranean in origin) and more crucially, the cat population has been less successful. Rabbits have kept on breeding and many cats (having a Middle Eastern ancestry) have continued to preach hate regarding dogs and mice.

While the arrests at Platt Fields signal progress, the real war has yet to be won. Many believe the next battle will be thought in West London; against the growing threat of imported Russian Vodka …